It doesn’t even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I’m famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I’m in your signs. I’m in your browsers. I’m in your instant messengers. I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.

Enough of this bullshit. I’m gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.

Here's are the top 10 most shopaholic cities in America by average monthly spending:

1. Washington D.C.
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $263

2. Arlington, Va.
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $254.58

3. Nashville, Tenn.
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $251.17

4. Scottsdale, Ariz.
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $243.17

5. Dallas, Texas
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $228.58

6. San Francisco, Calif.
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $227.42

7. San Jose, Calif.
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $221.17

8. Seattle, Wash.
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $221.17

9. Austin, Texas
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $213

10. Bakersfield, Calif.
• Residents average monthly spending in clothes, shoes and other wear: $201.50

Harassment is real. It happens everyday and it makes work difficult or impossible for women everywhere. It’s a serious problem. And it should be treated as a serious issue when a contender for the President of the United States is accused of it.

Take lots of baths. Listen to music that makes you feel warm, like Atlas Sound, Miles Davis or Joni Mitchell. Make winter playlists. Drink brown liquor, maybe some bourbon. Indulge in Hot Toddy’s like it’s your job. Frequent bars that have fireplaces and resemble a log cabin. (If you live in New York, may I suggest Shoolbred’s on 2nd Avenue?)

Go on weekend getaways with your friends. Rent a cabin in Vermont or upstate New York and spend your time playing board games and drinking out of a flask. Go to a townie bar and make out with someone named Tom or Elise who’s looking to move out West. Kiss them in the bar and then kiss them in the cold and then kiss them all over.

If the winter really is that much of a problem, if you think you’re one of those people who has vitamin D deficiencies and experiences seasonal depression, maybe you should move. I know it sounds like a big leap but, for some people, weather is a valid deal breaker. People live in Los Angeles because they can’t actually reside somewhere that goes below 65 degrees. It sounds dramatic, but who are we to judge? If you find yourself living in a dark hole four months out of every year, get out! Get out while you still can! There’s no shame in knowing this.

Watch the weather warm up and see the ice melt enough to wear an outfit that shows off the shape of your body. Look forward to spring. April comes around and spring is still nowhere to be found. It just rains all time and stays in the forties. Oh well.

Wonder each year how you did it, how you made it through. You tried to like yourself (it worked?) and you drank a lot of bourbon, sometimes even in the bath. You did it all, you followed the instructions, and you survived another winter. Whoopdeedoo. Oh, and spring happened for like, two days.

Rock bottom means things can’t get worse. It means you don’t have any expectations. It gives you a degree of consistency. In short, rock bottom is your safety net—it gives you something familiar to fall back into if you lose your grip when you’re trying to claw your way out of lumps of crap that have piled up on top of you.

So it can be quite overwhelming when everything if your life starts going right. Suddenly, everything is uncertain. You start imposing high standards on yourself and your life. Congratulations, you now have a butt load of really great stuff to lose. I appreciate the inherent nature of this fear is a #whitegirlproblem and that in the long run the feeling is only a peripheral and easily forgettable symptom of very wonderful things. I am aware that when good things happen, you should be grateful and not look the gift horse in the mouth (or maybe you should, because then you’d see all the Greeks hiding inside, IDIOT). But still, when life starts getting good there’s a nagging in the bottom of my throat like a writhing worm tickling my insides—I’m terrified.

Now this is happening: I have the opportunity to rent my dream apartment, to love someone, and financially I’m starting to destabilize after a draining few months (if I never see another container of frozen lentil soup again in my life I will shit in a hat and eat it, I swear). Before: I had nothing and it was almost liberating—the free fall and the wallowing at the bottom—it was all such an easy excuse, a time when I felt like I could breathe despite the turmoil. Don’t get me wrong; there was a lot of stress, but when everything is bad failure is always an option.

When everything starts going right, however, the stakes are HIGH and REAL. You begin to have things that you’ve wanted so badly for so long you hardly know how to cope. If you hold on too tight will you squeeze them through the cracks in your fingers and back into the atmosphere from which they magically materialized? And if you loosen your grip might they simply just float away? WHAT IS THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF PRESSURE TO APPLY? TO WHAT DEGREE SHOULD ONE APPROPRIATELY CODDLE THEIR SHINY NEW ACHIEVEMENTS? Moreover, what if you do something devastatingly characteristic and fuck it all up irreparably?

I suppose now after this brief, frivolous rant, there is only one thing to be done. Eat bacon in my underpants. OK, OK, so there’s two things to be done. Once the bacon’s gone, it’s time to put on some grown up pants and take a deep breath. A deep breath that says,“You’re a ridiculous fool.” Because even though you’re all but paralyzed with fear, you’re now complaining about having all the things you spent so long complaining about not having. And that’s so illogical you’re risking ripping a wormhole in the fabric of the time space continuum and exploding your brain into it. So go forth boldly, and try not to let on if you pee your pants a little bit with excitement.